


Rock and Roll Hogwarts

by EdgarAllanCat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Ramones
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Don't Read This, Hogwarts, I sinned too hard, Marauders' Era, Other, Punk Hogwarts, Punk Rock, The Ramones - Freeform, This is just a sin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 08:05:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5577766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdgarAllanCat/pseuds/EdgarAllanCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One day I asked: What would happen if The Ramones went to Hogwarts....then this happened....and I am so sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rock and Roll Hogwarts

In truth, I was really glad that my dad was still in Germany. If he saw someone what called herself a ‘Ministry Official’ in the house he probably would have tried to shoot her. That is to say if she ever actually made it to the door. I thought I was weird with my Beatles haircut and ripped cords, but this lady took weird to a whole new level. I didn’t believe in wizards yet but I did believe in aliens and this is exactly how an alien would dress if it were trying to be human.

 

She sat on our fading plaid sofa, looking as uncomfortable as she made us. It look like she took all the colours she could find and just wore them and wore them wrong. I couldn’t listen to her talk because I was trying to understand what was wrong with her brain that made her pair an orange plaid shirt with a stripped green polo and a poofy pink skit. Maybe she did too many drugs. After the war you could find shots still full of pain killers in bins around Germany. Maybe that’s what it was. Maybe she was on some kind of crazy England drugs.

“You understand what I’m saying, Douglas,” she asked in a condescending voice as though I were stupid.

I didn’t but I nodded anyway.

“This just isn’t possible,” my mother said, shaking her head. She had said this a lot during the conversation and I wanted to tell her not to look stupid but I also didn’t feel up for a fight.

The official sighed. Again. She sighed a lot. Everything felt repetitive and I was getting bored. “We’re offering your son a chance to go off to school, Mrs. Colvin. It’s a school for kids who are special. Like him.”

My mother looked over to me and I shrank down as much as I could into the cracked leather chair. “Dougie isn’t special.”

It hurt more than it usually did. I wasn’t used to being called special by anybody unless they were making fun of me. As ridiculous as this woman was she wasn’t laughing at me. I don’t think she could laugh at nobody. Not with the way she dressed anyway.

“Douglas is very special,” the official said, raising her eyebrows so high they disappeared under her bushy orange fringe. “Douglas, tell me, have you ever done something that you couldn’t explain?”

I didn’t feel much like talking so I nodded. It was quiet and that meant I had to talk. “One time I beat a kid up.” More silence. Apparently that wasn’t good enough. “He was bigger than me. I didn’t even touch him and he just kinda, ya know, flew backwards…I reckon that was pretty strange. And one time my dad broke my radio and it kinda, like, fixed itself. I don’t know much about electronics or nothing so I don’t know how that happened.”

“See, Mrs. Colvin, Douglas is very special.”

Again my stupid mother shook her head. “It’s a boarding school, right? A place away from here? A place where he can actually go away and learn to be…whatever you said he was?”

“A wizard,” the official said again.

I had heard the word ‘Wizard’ twenty seven times and I was done. I pushed myself up out of the chair and grabbed my rumpled denim coat off the floor. “Well, look, Lady, there ain’t no way I can go to a fancy school right now. We don’t got that kind of money. I mean, jeez, look at where you’re at! You’re sitting in a tiny flat on a sofa we found in the street. We look like the type of people who can afford your fancy little rich kid school?”

My mother didn’t say anything for once because she knew it was true. She knew that whatever money we had went to my little sister’s dance lessons because my mother believed she would be a famous dancer and save the family. Bullshit. My mother should’ve known that. After all, she was a go-go dancer and then got pregnant and poor and that’s what happens to people.

“That’s exactly why I’m here,” the official said. She pulled a weird stick out of the pocket of her skit and tapped her hand.

I blinked and my knees suddenly felt incredibly weak. She was definitely an alien. Out of the nothing in her hand there was a small card which she held out to me. I didn’t take it because you don’t touch things that appear out of nowhere, but I looked at it.

 

‘Didi Boyle – Head of the Department of Muggleborn Academic Affairs’

 

“My name’s DeeDee,” I told her, looking up.

 

“I thought…never mind,” she said and tapped her stick again, making the card poof into nothing. “The point is that I am in charge of making sure that kids like you are able to attend Hogwarts. We’ll cover the cost of your uniform, books, and supplies and you’ll maintain a high grade to continue receiving your scholarship.”

“You’re bribing me to get good grades?”

“No, that’s not—“

“It’s kind of like a reverse bet sort of, then? Like, you’re putting all of this money up and if I don’t do good I don’t get the money but if I do good then I get it.”

“That’s not at all what—“

“I never say no to a bet involving money!”

Didi sighed. Again. I wondered what it was about me that made her so exasperated. “Yes, a reverse bet. You’ll go then?”

I nodded. “But, okay, like, what’s a Muggleborn?”

“Someone with Muggle parents.”

I wanted to scream. That answered exactly nothing and made me want to throw the lamp as hard as I could into the wall. Actually, they really should have been more impressed with my self-restraint. “And a muggle is?”

“Someone who isn’t a wizard.”

“But I’m a wizard?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

She was quiet for a moment, looking as though she wasn’t sure how to answer my question. “Because sometimes someone is so special that nothing can stop that from shining through. Not even the matter of their birth. Douglas, you have two non-magical parents and yet you possess magical abilities. That tells me that you’re very special and very gifted.”

I had never been called gifted before. My teachers all thought I was an idiot ad dad reinforced that. I think sometimes that maybe they weren’t my real parents. If I was actually as special as she said I was then how could I have come from such garbage? Maybe my real dad was Merlin or some other big cool wizard from the comics. Maybe this lady was my real mum. Maybe that was why she was actually here. Maybe she wasn’t my mum. I’d tell people she was anyway.

“I’m glad,” she said and smiled at me. “Would you like to go shopping tomorrow for your supplies?”

“That in London,” I asked. I had snuck out sometimes and taken the train into London because there was a lot of good music to be heard. I couldn’t get into none of the clubs really, but I could stand outside and listen to what they were singing about. Sometimes I couldn’t hear the singing and I could only hear the bass beat and that was nice.

“Not exactly. It’s…well, you’ll see.”

“I don’t like surprises.”

Didi stood up and there was something about the way she looked at me that made her not look so weird anymore. Yeah, she was still dressed like a freak, but something made that seem okay. Like maybe it was okay to be a freak? “You’re in for a lot of surprises, DeeDee.”

She was the first person in my life to call me what I wanted and didn’t bother to ask why. I liked that. I liked that she didn’t make me explain myself to her. The door closed and I felt like maybe things weren’t going to be so bad. It was okay. Then I heard my mother get up and go into the kitchen and get ice out of the fridge. The bourbon she was pouring was so strong I could smell it from the living room.

“Go play outside, Douglas,” she told me as she topped her glass off with coke. “Mummy has to think for a while. Just go away.”

I was used to that and it was okay because I had a new mum now who dressed weird and thought I was important. I threw on my jacket even though it was still warm outside. That’s the thing about England, even though it’s warm in the day the minute the sun goes down it feels freezing. Not like Germany. Germany always felt cold.

While my mother was drinking I walked around the street, kicking at loose rocks and thinking about the rest of my life. This was probably the first time I had thought about what my future could be. I thought about the last time my parents asked me what I wanted to be because dad wanted me to be in the military. ‘Ich mochte ein gamler’, I told them. They told me to shut up. Apparently I couldn’t be a hobo, but, hell, I was going to be a wizard.

I walked and I sneaked into the cinema to catch a movie. I don’t know what it was about because I only got in when everyone went out for the intermission. I hung around people who were smoking, acting like I was some couple’s kid. They didn’t notice me and no one noticed me sneaking back inside and sitting behind them. I just wanted to be somewhere dark where no one would bother me while I waited for my mother to pass out. Besides that, I always liked sneaking into the cinema. It made me feel like the teenagers who hung out by the dumpsters with their uniform ties loosened and their shirts untucked, listening to the same music I listened to. It was cool and edgy.

By the time the film ended the sun had long set. Tomorrow I would be going to London or somewhere like that. I took the long way home passed this girl’s house. We were friends but I didn’t know her name. She liked the same music as me and we never really talked about names and stuff.

Mum was asleep on the sofa when I got home and I was glad. I didn’t know if we would ever really talk about it. It didn’t seem real. Then again, my life had never made much in the way of sense. I always felt like I was kinda tossed around between countries and my parents. I’d never really stayed in a place for too long so I didn’t exactly have a home. Yeah, I had the flat that I called home because that was where I lived, but it wasn’t home. Nowhere was home.

I made myself dinner from the takeaway we’d gotten forever ago before trying to go to bed. I couldn’t sleep very well though. I kept thinking about Didi and what was going to happen to me. The whole situation was just completely surreal for me. I didn’t sleep at all. I wondered where we were going tomorrow and what it would be like and if everyone would be dressed as unreal as she was

I guess I laid there for so long that I psyched myself out and started to panic a bit. There was no way someone like me got something like this. It wasn’t like I did good enough in school to be able to get any kind of scholarship, even if it was wizard school. And what kind of name was Hogwarts? Like a warty hog? It didn’t make sense. I didn’t have a future. I couldn’t have a future. There wasn’t a world out there for kids like me. I convinced myself that Didi probably wouldn’t even show up the next day. If there was one thing adults were good at it was lying.

**Author's Note:**

> I, uh, I am so sorry. I don't know why I decided I needed to write this. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe my parents didn't love me very much? I don't know...but there's more...and I am sorry.


End file.
